"Hey, doc, I could do this visit myself."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I've been here enough that I know the drill. You're gonna tell me to quit drinking, quit smoking, quit eating--"
"I'm not going to tell you to quit eating."
"You will after you hear what I eat."
"What do you eat?"
"What don't I eat? I eat coffee cake, the ice cream, big sandwiches with the meats in them, the cheeses, the doughnuts, lots of doughnuts."
"Yeah, none of that is good for you."
"But when I try to eat the vegetables, I'm still, uh, hungry. I'm not satisfied."
"There's a middle ground. Do you cook?"
"Do I cook? My lady cooks."
"No, I've had two wives. That didn't work out so well. Now I have a lady. She used to be, oh she was very nice. Now she put on some weight, she's not so healthy, but it's okay, we're a good match. If she was still pretty, she'd leave me. So I think it's a good thing."
"Is she a good cook? Can she incorporate healthier ingredients into her cooking? Vegetables, grains, things like that?"
"She is a good cook. She makes these doughnuts--"
"She makes doughnuts, at home?"
"Oh, you should try her doughnuts, doc. All greasy and thick--"
"This may be part of the problem."
"No, don't tell me that's the problem. We have these doughnuts, a couple bottles of beer--"
"How much are you drinking?"
"Just a couple of beers, three or four, like, uh, seven days a week? I think seven."
"That's every day. There are seven days in the week."
"Then, yeah, seven."
"You need to cut back. You're showing early signs of cirrhosis. You want to be around, right? You have grandchildren?"
"Yeah, a few of 'em."
"You want to be around for them, right?"
"I mean, sure. I don't know if that's the reason I want to be around, but, sure."
"So you can't be having three beers a night."
"Can I have one or two?"
"Not every night. You should try cutting back."
"Can I have one?"
"Every so often? I'm not going to tell you something unrealistic and give you guidelines you're never going to follow. So for me to say you can never have a sip of beer again--"
"I have one in my bag, you're saying I can have it?"
"Not in the office!"
"Oh, man, I wanted it. I want a cigarette too, it's been like half an hour."
"You need to quit smoking."
"No, doc, I like it too much."
"It's important. You need to decide you're going to quit."
"I'm not your teacher, I can't force you to do things. I can tell you what you should be doing, from a medical point of view, but you have to decide you care about your health."
"Next time I'll care."
"I'm going to set up an appointment for you to see the nutritionist, if that's okay."
"Is she a looker?"
"I don't know if it's a he or a she and certainly not what they look like."
"Come on, find me a she nutritionist, I'll promise to go."
"Stop eating so many doughnuts."
"I'll bring you one next time, you'll see why I keep eating them."