That is not your penis.

Through the translator phone, my patient says:

"I've been having pain in my penis."

"What kind of pain?"

"Burning."

"Okay, well, we're going to want to do some testing for sexually transmitted diseases. Are you sexually active?"

"In the normal way."

"Excuse me?"

"In the normal way."

"What does that mean? Do you have sex?"

"I guess."

"I need a yes or no answer, if you can. Translator, tell him to say yes or no. Thanks."

"Yes. I have sex."

"With men or with women, or both?"

"Um, they are women."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Okay, I'm going to put on a pair of gloves and take a look. Can you show me where you feel the burning."

He pulls down his pants. Grabs his scrotum.

"Sir, that is not your penis."

He points to an area on his scrotum.

"Sir, that is not your penis."

At this point, the translator completely loses it. I say to the translator:

"Tell him he is showing me his scrotum, which is different from his penis."

"He says for him, he feels it is all like penis."

"Okay, well, he has a rash, not an STD. So I guess that's a good thing."

"He wants to know what he should do to make his penis feel better."

"That is not his penis."

"Okay. I will tell him."