So, I pass by one of the patient rooms and see my intern digging through the trash. Not a recommended procedure for... anything. So I decide to stop and ask.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Oh, yeah, it's crazy. I'm really sorry."
"I totally forgot to run a stool guaiac [test for blood in the stool] on patient."
"Okay... well, we can collect a new sample..."
"That's what I'm trying to do."
I pause for a moment to try and put the puzzle together.
"Did the patient go to the bathroom in the garbage pail? Why would he go to the bathroom in the garbage pail?"
"No, no, I'm looking for his diaper--"
"That doesn't make it better. Get out of the garbage pail. You do not have to search through the garbage for a patient's feces. In fact, you should not search through garbage for a patient's feces. Please. Stop doing that. He'll make more, I guarantee it."
"I just wanted to be a good intern."
"I know. Please get your hands out of the garbage and find some sanitizer. Please. Thank you."
Because, you know, this isn't a job for the interns, it's a job for the med students (I'm kidding).