* * Anonymous Doc

Monday, August 8, 2011

"OK, sir, are you on any drugs?"



"I don't want anyone in here knowing any of my business."

"Sir, you're in the emergency room-- you had a heart attack. It's important for me to know what's been going on in your body. Do you use drugs?"

"Shhhh. What if the police hear me?"

"We are doctors, we're not policemen. I'm not asking you so I can arrest you. I'm asking because I want to help you."

"Okay, you can name drugs, and I'll stop you if you get to one I use."

"Sure... cocaine..."


"How much cocaine did you use?"

"Shhhh! Don't keep saying that."

"You're in the emergency room. No one's listening."

"I don't want these kinds of people knowing about my business."

"What kinds of people?"

"Sick people."

"You had a heart attack. If you keep using cocaine, you're going to die."


"How much cocaine did you use?"

"Stop saying that word! Call it something else."

"Fine. How much turkey did you use?"

"Fifty dollars."

"How much cocaine?"

"You don't know how much is 50 dollars worth?"

"I have an idea, from other patients."

"How much are they paying?"

"It doesn't matter."

"No, tell me."

"You used one gram of... turkey?"

"No, I used two grams. See, I'm a businessman. I got a deal."

"Great. You need to stop using cocaine... uh, turkey."

"Sure. Just give me a prescription for something even better."

1 comment:

  1. Denis Leary's stand up rant about cocaine is still a classic: