Anonymous Doctor

[conversations with a germophobic intern]


"Oh my god! Does this patient have HIV? His blood is on my shoe!"

"You know you're not going to get HIV from blood on your shoe, right?"

"I just want to be extra safe."

"Then why are you working in a hospital?"

* * *

"Oh no-- I think the patient's peritoneal fluid got on my scrubs--"

"Okay, so get new scrubs from the machine."

"But what if it makes me sick?"

"Are you licking your scrubs?"

* * *

"That patient touched my arm."

"So?"

"She might have something."

"Everybody has something. Calm yourself."

* * *

"I should wear gloves, right?"

"You're writing in a chart."

"Yeah, but the patient is filthy and contagious."

"But his chart isn't."

* * *

"Did you take the HIV prophylactic drugs?"

"No-- I haven't had a needle stick."

"But just in case you do."

"Do you understand how medicine works?"

* * *

"You think I'm going to get this guy's cold?"

"Probably."

"How do I avoid it?"

"Drop out of residency."

* * *

"You think our attending wears gloves, right?"

"I assume so."

"Because he just touched my pen."

"Please stop."

* * *

"I can't believe you're eating that bagel."

"I bought it downstairs."

"But it's been in the hospital air."

"So have we."

* * *

"Can [the other intern] and I switch patients?"

"Why?"

"My guy looks extra contagious."

"Can we pretend we didn't just have this conversation?"

* * *

"Do you know where I can get a paper mask?"

"Why do you need a mask?"

"I was going to use the bathroom."

"I have no words."