* * Anonymous Doc

Friday, August 12, 2011

[conversations with a germophobic intern]


"Oh my god! Does this patient have HIV? His blood is on my shoe!"

"You know you're not going to get HIV from blood on your shoe, right?"

"I just want to be extra safe."

"Then why are you working in a hospital?"

* * *

"Oh no-- I think the patient's peritoneal fluid got on my scrubs--"

"Okay, so get new scrubs from the machine."

"But what if it makes me sick?"

"Are you licking your scrubs?"

* * *

"That patient touched my arm."

"So?"

"She might have something."

"Everybody has something. Calm yourself."

* * *

"I should wear gloves, right?"

"You're writing in a chart."

"Yeah, but the patient is filthy and contagious."

"But his chart isn't."

* * *

"Did you take the HIV prophylactic drugs?"

"No-- I haven't had a needle stick."

"But just in case you do."

"Do you understand how medicine works?"

* * *

"You think I'm going to get this guy's cold?"

"Probably."

"How do I avoid it?"

"Drop out of residency."

* * *

"You think our attending wears gloves, right?"

"I assume so."

"Because he just touched my pen."

"Please stop."

* * *

"I can't believe you're eating that bagel."

"I bought it downstairs."

"But it's been in the hospital air."

"So have we."

* * *

"Can [the other intern] and I switch patients?"

"Why?"

"My guy looks extra contagious."

"Can we pretend we didn't just have this conversation?"

* * *

"Do you know where I can get a paper mask?"

"Why do you need a mask?"

"I was going to use the bathroom."

"I have no words."

8 comments:

  1. Someone is definitely in the wrong field of work... and in need of serious mental help.

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  2. Hahaha - I know a med student EXACTLY like this! She's one of my best friends, so I feel bad making fun of her for it- but, dude. It's so silly.

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  3. ROFLMAO! This totally made my day.

    When I began studying medicine here in Germany, we had to do internships with the nurses. It included having to wipe shit of patients bottoms and stay with patients that were vomiting and hold a bowl for them to vomit in.

    I got over the "OMG! Yuck! Contagious!" bit really fast.

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  4. Let them have a run with combivir. After taking it prophyactically for a needle stick from unknown origin I can guarantee that they will get over their worries pretty damn quick. I do not see a career in ID for them.

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  6. This is so funny. made my day, I'm going to sleep now, can't top this!

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  7. You have an issue with this? It sounds like you and poop/bodily waste.

    "Oooo, the poop touched me! Do you think the poop might get on me?"

    One man's crazy is another man's lifestyle!

    -A

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