* * Anonymous Doc: "No, no caffeine, just coffee"

Monday, April 2, 2012

"No, no caffeine, just coffee"

"I've been having trouble sleeping."

"Are you having any caffeine in the evenings?"


"So no coffee?"

"Oh, of course I have coffee."


"No, regular."

"Then you're having caffeine."

"Oh, I never thought of it that way."

"How much coffee are you drinking?"

"I have a big cup in the morning..."


"Then three in the afternoon, and three or four more later in the evening."

"Okay, I think we know why you're having trouble sleeping."

"I thought it might be the tea."

"Oh, how much tea are you drinking?"

"A big mug. Right before bed."

"Yeah, that could be the problem too."

"And I have Coke with breakfast."

"That's not very healthy."

"I know. People tell me I shouldn't do that."

"You need to stop with all of the Coke, coffee, and tea. Switch to water."

"I don't like water. My water isn't so good. I don't think it's safe."

"But you use it for the coffee and tea, don't you?"

"Oh, I never thought of that."

"Well, you can always get a water filter, or bottled water."

"I hate the idea of being one of those people who's always drinking water."

"I don't know what kind of people you mean."

"Those hippie-dippie people."

"Do you like the idea of sleeping?"


"Then you should drink water. Any more problems you came here to talk about?"

"Just my diarrhea."

"Yeah, stop with the coffee."


  1. The idea of so much coffee and soda gives me the shivers. Do you ever suggest something like seltzer/carbonated water to your patients? Although flat water is ideal, lightly flavored carbonated water might be a much more acceptable alternative in their eyes...no? At the very, very least, it's better than coke.

  2. While I am the first to admit I should drink more water, and less diet Coke... I can't imagine how anyone could drink so much soda, coffee, and tea and not be in the doctor's office for their bleeding ulcer! (Though I am very happy your patient doesn't have a bleeding ulcer.)

  3. Just stop? Cold turkey? You could have given a little better advice on how to ween himself off. He might have such bad headaches from sudden withdrawal that he never tries to give up caffeine again.

    - KrisW

  4. AD, these back-and-forth dialogues are your bread and butter. Each one a precious little comedic scene. Ever thought to pitch this to a producer?

    On an unrelated note, some of you folks commenting here sure do take this seriously. Throttle back a bit. It's comedy.

  5. OMFG! Coffee, soda and tea HAVE caffeine??? Who knew? Hahahahahaha! Good one!=)