* * Anonymous Doc

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"Doctor, I'm telling you, I have bad kidneys."

"Your kidneys are fine. The tests came back normal, there's no problem with your kidneys."

"But I have pain here." [he points to a spot on his upper thigh]

"That's not where your kidneys are."

"Mine are there. I have bad kidneys."

"Not your kidneys. You have leg pain."

"No, it's my kidneys. I take special pills from Venezuela for them every day for three years."

"Wait, what kind of special pills?"

"This is the name:" [he says a name I've never heard of]

"Hold on, let me look that up." [I Google to discover it's some kind of antibiotic that we don't sell in the U.S. and that probably no one should be taking for three years.]

"You should not be taking that, you don't need that. You have leg pain. Did you hurt your leg?"

"It is not my leg, it is my kidneys."

"Your kidneys are not there, and your kidneys are fine. Just tell me, did you hurt your leg?"

"It does not matter if I hurt my leg, this pain is not from my leg."

"But did you hurt your leg?"

"No, it was not a big deal, did not cause my kidney pain."

"What happened to your leg?"

"I was hit by a car. But that is not the problem with my kidneys."


  1. My nephew just got the Visible Man kit and I tried my darndest to put the kidneys in the butt and have the iliac arteries split off right down by the scrotum. So anatomy is hard. In his leg, though? I think the man has his kidneys mixed up with his regular knees.

    Also, here's a guy for whom homeopathy would represent an improved standard of care... maybe you could write him a referral.

  2. Sigh. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Once people are told something they want to believe you will never be able to argue them out of it. All you can do is refuse to give him what he's asking for, explain why, and hope he goes somewhere else.

  3. Bless you. This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

    You could write for a medical sitcom.