Anonymous Doctor

"The medication you prescribed is causing diarrhea," said the patient, loudly, and with more anger than diarrhea ought to cause.

"I'm not sure it's the medication, but I can give you something to see if it helps."

"No. I'm not taking any more medication from you. And I'm stopping all of the ones you already prescribed, because I can't live my life having to run to the bathroom every day."

"Wait, how many times a day are you having diarrhea?"

"One."

"That doesn't sound disabling. We'll try to get to the bottom of what's causing it, but you need to take your medications. Unfortunately the consequences of not taking them could be far worse than the diarrhea."

"I went through a whole roll of toilet paper in a week."

"Um... how often were you going to the bathroom before you first started taking the medications I prescribed?"

"Once a week, maybe twice."

"That's not normal."

"It's normal for me."

"That's not a thing. It's healthier to be going more often than that. And now I'm thinking, just to be sure, let's take a step back for a second. Describe what you mean by diarrhea."

"It comes right out. I hardly have to push. And then I have to wipe a couple of times."

"Is it watery?"

"No. Watery? What are you talking about?"

"I think what you're doing now may in fact be normal bowel movements. You were terribly constipated before."

"It was normal for me."

"That's not a thing. Going once a day is fine. It's healthy."

"You're not serious."

"I am."

"You can't be serious that it's normal to go to the bathroom every day."

"I am."

"No. No way. That's crazy. I don't have time to go to the bathroom every day. I work two jobs."

"I'm sorry that the medication has made your bowel movements normal and healthy. I don't know what to tell you."

"You can tell me how to get back to the way it was."

"You can't, and you shouldn't."

"So you're saying you ruined me."

"I'm saying I fixed you."

"Forget it. I'm finding a new doctor."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"Is there a bathroom I can use on the way out?"

"It's in the waiting area."

"Goodbye."