Anonymous Doctor

I'm sorry for the break in posting.

I stayed at my parents' house longer than I expected I would, and just got back. Getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. And since my parents still live in the past, Internet access was spotty. I don't know why I spent a week with them. It's too long. Even though I didn't get to see them over the holidays. It's still too long. But given the choice of being alone in my apartment or tagging along on their pointless days, I chose them. You'd think they'd be happy that I'm a doctor. You'd think any parents would be satisfied that their kid is a doctor. All throughout high school and college that's all they wanted for me, that's all they kept pushing-- do something with your life, become a professional, make sure you have a career. And now that I've done it, they're still not happy. "You need a wife, you need a family...." Well, it's not like I'm not trying, and it's not like you need to remind me. And, frankly, it's not like becoming a doctor isn't what has made the other piece of it so difficult. I asked someone out right before vacation, someone else in the hospital. She said she doesn't want to date another resident because she knows what the schedule is like. So if I can't even get someone at the hospital to understand, how in the world can I have a chance with someone in the real world? The schedule is crazy, there's no way someone with a normal job wants to deal with this. It's one thing if you're already in a relationship, but to start something when you're working 80 hours a week? I'm exhausted most of the time, I'm irritable, I'm not myself. Although if I'm always feeling like I'm not myself maybe I just don't know who "myself" is anymore. Maybe I'm becoming this person I don't want to be. This person who's going to end up alone and miserable. I kept snapping at my parents. I don't know why they even tolerated me being around for a week. I was obnoxious. I was mean. I don't want to be like that, but it's the knee-jerk reaction. I'm trying to be an adult, I'm trying to figure out what an adult life ought to look like. But it's hard. And all I can really do is keep getting up and going to work and hope it figures itself out eventually.

In the morning I start two months of outpatient service, which should be considerably less stressful than the past few months have been. I might actually have free weekends. Which would be great if I had something to do, but since I hardly even know my friends anymore and the only people I talk to are other residents, I don't know why I even need the days off. Maybe I'll do research so I can get a good fellowship. That's the smart thing to do, right? Spend my days off in the library just to fill the hours, pretending I'm doing it for the right reasons?

Going to sleep early tonight, to bank a few extra hours just in case. Awesome.