Better today. It's weird, in the moment I feel like there are all these ups and downs, but really there shouldn't be. Each day is more or less the same, and whether I leave at 6:45 or 7:15 shouldn't mean the difference between feeling good and feeling awful. I have bad days, the people around me have bad days, but all in all it's okay. My resident isn't so terrible, I like most of the people I'm working with, my patients are not suffering at my hands, the days are long but it's okay.
Deep breath.
I did my first procedure yesterday. Drained some fluid from a patient's abdomen. He said I did good. Nevermind that he didn't really know what was going on and what I was doing to him. Felt good to feel competent at a procedure. I can do things, sometimes. If I was alone in the hospital, if I had no one to ask, no one to teach me, I could at least muddle through some simple things and not kill my patients. That's a nice feeling, I guess. Makes me feel like one day I might be okay at this. In clinic, I saw 5 patients in an afternoon, which is the most I've gotten through so far. The attendings see 10 or 12 in an afternoon, but 5 isn't bad. Two patients asked for my card (as if I have one...), asked if I was new, asked if I can be their doctor next time they come. So that was nice.
And this morning, no new overnight admissions. Maybe it'll be a short day. Maybe it won't be. I don't know. No one knows. I treated myself to a $6.00 piece of pumpkin pie on the way home last night, from a bakery that's too expensive and not as it good as it thinks it is. Little things. Little moments. I'm trying.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Rock on!
ReplyDeleteI am about to finish my degree biology so I can apply to medical school, reading your thoughts has provided me with some insightful things. Keep up your hard work , you do your self and your patients a valuable service.
ReplyDeleteTo put it bluntly, get off the emo train!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing your job, good at most times, reasonably well at others, but you're doing it!
Hang on, muddle through, take it one day at a time and you'll see that you'll eventually look back to these days with laughter.
And when you become an attending, you'll look back to some of their decisions and (even if you don't agree with them) at least you'll understand the "why"s
You seem like you do feel better than after your previous post. Way to go on the abdominal drain. When you have a down day, know that an up day is around the corner. Everything passes and just keep doing what you're doing. You are probably so efficient in this particular rotation that you've made the others look bad and they may have complained. You are doing your jobs the best way you know how and will find out exactly what you do and do not like from all this. Then hopefully you will find a good fit somewhere when it's time.
ReplyDelete