"I'm not sure if it's urine"

Sorry for the lack of posts. Was on vacation, somewhere with less Internet than I expected.  Of course, two weeks away and I came back to all sorts of fun messages from the fellow covering my pager. 

"One of your patients kept asking where you went on vacation and why doctors are allowed to take vacation when their patients are sick.  He called every day asking the same question."

Anyway... my first patient back in clinic:

"My body is leaking."

"Uh... from...?"

"You know, where I pee.  But it's not pee."

"Is it blood?"

"Oh, no, definitely not-- wait, are white blood cells clear? Because maybe it's those."

"No, it's clear?"

"Yeah."

"Then I think it's probably urine."

"No, my urine is more of a brownish."

"It's not yellow?"

"Well, I guess you could call it yellow."

"I think you're leaking urine.  Let me send you to a urologist.  Does this happen often?"

"Usually after I shower."

"Are you drying yourself off?"

"I guess."

"Are you sure this isn't just water from the shower?"

"Maybe?"

"Okay, why don't you try drying that area better and see if there is still wetness. If so, I'll have you see a urologist."

"Thanks, doc.  You know, this only started when you were out on vacation.  I tried calling and I got some other doctor I didn't know."

"Okay. I'll see you in six weeks."

Water Makes Poop

"I've been going to the bathroom too much, doc."

"Um, how often is too much?"

"Every day."

"I think that's okay."

"Not for me.  I don't like to go so often.  Is there a way to make less poop?"

"No.  I mean, everything that goes in has to come out."

"I think it's because I've been drinking too much water."

"No.  Water becomes urine."

"No, I think in me it becomes poop.  Because I don't really eat that much.  But I still poop a lot.  So it must be the water turning into poop."

"No."

"I think it does for me.  Maybe that's just how my body works."

"No."

"So you're saying if I eat less, I will poop less?"

"I guess.  But I'm not saying you should eat less.  You need to eat enough calories.  I don't want you to starve yourself because you don't like going to the bathroom."

"It would be nice to never have to go."

"I'm going to refer you to a gastroenterologist."