Twenty Things To Say To Your Doctor If You Want To Be A Difficult Patient

1. "Oh, my appointment was yesterday?"

2. "Did you get the paperwork I faxed to my other doctor?"

3. "Your nurse didn't say I should remove all my clothes before you came in?"

4. "You don't mind if I eat in here, do you?  It's just a tuna sandwich, some chips, and a melting popsicle...."

5. "Yes, I'm taking all of my medications, except one of them.  But I'm not sure which one."

6. "I need a refill on my blue pill.  The smaller one.  And, really, I needed it three weeks ago."

7. "Of course I had recent blood work.  I think."

8. "My friend told me not to have any x-rays because of the risk of radiation exposure.  Can you do one without radiation?"

9. "Wait, when I told you I had the flu shot, I didn't mean I had it *this* year!"

10. "I just realized-- that rash you just touched-- it's from the bedbugs!"

11. "Six.  That question you asked at my last appointment... the answer is six.  Maybe six and a half."

12. "Thanks for all of that information, doc.  But I forgot to put my hearing aid in, so if you wouldn't mind starting all the way back at the beginning."

13. "Nope, that's it.  Except for this scab I picked off my body and wrapped in a napkin to show you."

14. "Oh, before I go, can I just ask one quick question about the worst headache I've ever felt in my life followed by left side weakness, a fever of 106, and a bloody discharge from all of my orifices that I didn't think to mention?"

15. "You could do me a favor and not report this visit to my insurance company, right?  I don't think it's covered, and I'm not going to be able to pay the bill."

16. "I know it's *my* appointment, but my wife has something near her rectum that she wanted to show you, if that's okay."

17. "Can you call my children and let them know how the appointment went?  Here are all eight of their phone numbers."

18. "You didn't get those e-mails I've been sending you?  I must have your address wrong-- give it to me again-- I'd hate for you to have missed all of those important political writings I passed along."

19. "I was hoping you could give me your personal cell phone number so I can call you whenever I sneeze."

20. "Sure, we could schedule another appointment-- but I should mention that I'm moving to a different state next week, so this entire appointment, and all of the follow-up we talked about, has been completely pointless."

Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year.