Anonymous Doctor

2:17 AM.

My cell phone rings. Unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Doctor?"

"Uh, yes. Who is this?"

"This is [John Smith]. My father was your patient two weeks ago in the hospital. He is having some pain in his leg."

"What? Who? How did you get this number?"

"This is [John Smith]. My father was your patient two weeks ago in the hospital. He is having some pain in his leg."

"Why are you calling me?"

"I wanted to see what to do."

"I'm sorry, I'm not your father's doctor anymore. If it's an emergency, you should get him to the nearest emergency room. Otherwise, he should make an appointment with his regular doctor or come to the clinic during regular business hours. It's two in the morning."

"Should we put ice on his leg?"

"It's two in the morning. And, I'm sorry, I'm not your father's doctor anymore. You need to call his regular doctor. How did you get my number?"

"Would heat be better than ice?"

"How did you get my number?"

"The hospital gave it to me."

"Who at the hospital gave you my number?"

"I don't know."

"You can't call this number anymore. I'm not your father's doctor."

"The operator connected me to a nurse. I told the nurse you were his doctor and she gave me this number."

"This is my personal cell phone number, and, I'm sorry, I'm not your father's doctor anymore. Do you happen to know the name of the nurse--?"

"So we should not put ice on his leg?"

"If this is an emergency, you should take him to the emergency room. Otherwise, you should make an appointment to see his regular doctor. I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can tell you. I'm not your father's doctor."

"You were his doctor in the hospital."

"Yes, I probably was. But once the patient leaves the hospital, I'm not their doctor anymore. It's not your fault, but no one should have given you this number. You need to take him to the emergency room if this is an emergency, and otherwise call his regular doctor."

"His regular doctor is on vacation."

"Then call the answering service and they will get him a message."

"He doesn't have an answering service."

"Then take your father to our outpatient clinic in the morning and someone will see him. You can't call this number. It's two in the morning."

"I just want to know if I should put ice on his leg."

"Sure."

"Ice, not heat?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter?"

"I'm hanging up the phone now. Please don't call this number. If this is an emergency, call 911, or bring your father to the emergency room. I hope his leg feels better. Have a good night."