Blue Whiskers

"Doc, I've been finding blue whiskers in my mouth."

"What?"

"In my mouth. Blue whiskers.  I'm not sure what they are.  What does that mean?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about.  Blue-colored hairs? Growing out of where?"

"My mouth. Bright blue."

"How long are they?"

"Not too long.  They almost don't even feel like hair.  They're thick, almost like plastic."

"When have you been noticing them?"

"Usually when I brush my teeth."

 "What color are your toothbrush bristles?"

(big pause)

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Hot Water For Your Fall?

I return from two weeks of vacation (sorry!) to get a call from a patient:

"I fell."

"Oh no!  What happened?"

"I tripped over a box of potato chips."

"A box?"

"You know, from Costco, a big bulk box of chips."

"You shouldn't be eating chips, you know-- the salt is no good for your heart failure."

"No, these come in bulk, they're cheap."

"Cost isn't the problem."

"It certainly is-- food is expensive!  Not at Costco, though."

"I was just saying you shouldn't eat chips."

"Well, I can't let them go to waste!  I have so many!"

"Whatever-- you said you fell?"

"Yes! In my kitchen! I fell over the box and hit my hands!"

"Are they okay?"

"They hurt. I wanted to know if I should put them in hot water."

"You should put ice on them."

"Not hot water?"

"No, why would you put them in hot water?"

"I thought hot water, with some yeast and sugar.  That's what my mother always did."

"No, I think that's how you bake bread, not how to keep down swelling."

"Oh. You sure?  Ice?"

"Yes. Ice. Come in for an xray if you think anything may be broken--"

"The chips!  They're like crumbs. I fell right on top of the box and crushed it."

"I meant your hand. The bones."

"No, I don't think I have bones there."

"Okay, I'll see you at your next appointment."

Rash

"I wanted to call to say I have a rash on my chest."

"All of a sudden?"

"I think so."

"Can you describe it?"

"It's red and pimply."

"Did you put anything new on your chest? Any creams or lotions?"

"Just food."

"Why food?"

"It dripped."

"What food?"

"Soup."

"What kind?"

"Pea."

"I'm not sure why that would cause a rash."

"Wait, it was lentil."

"Still not sure why it would cause a rash. Why don't you come in and I'll take a look."

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to."

"It really should be seen."

"Oh, I also have 102 temperature."

"Yeah, you should come in."

"You want soup? I have extra."

"No thanks."