Anonymous Doctor

Okay, let me try and correct some faulty patient assumptions. These are all from one patient-- ONE CRAZY PATIENT-- in clinic today.

1. We don't prescribe medication based on body weight. I can see you're a small woman. That doesn't mean you should be cutting your antibiotics in half. I'm giving you the right dosage. You don't have to keep questioning it.

2. You're not allergic to water. You need to keep yourself hydrated. It's important. I don't know who told you you're allergic to water. It wasn't a doctor. You're not. Your body is mostly water. Drink more water.

3. Even though your blood work came back fine three years ago, I still have to do it again. Things change. That's the whole point. You didn't have these symptoms three years ago. You do now. So I have to check. A blood test isn't like an IQ test. I'm not just testing for blood type. It's important.

4. Just because you and your husband sleep in the same bed doesn't mean you should take his medication. In fact, sleeping in the same bed has nothing to do with sharing his medication. "But I already have all of his germs" is not a sensible reason to take his medication. At all.

5. Your bowel movements don't change your weight by ten pounds. You aren't ten pounds heavier than last visit because you haven't gone to the bathroom in two days. Sorry. Not correct.

6. You can eat all the vegetables you want. The pesticides will not hurt you. And even if they will, they won't hurt you more than your diet of red meat and ice cream does.

7. Headaches are not caused by the sun.

8. Your blood pressure has nothing to do with which bra you happen to be wearing. "My blood pressure is always higher when I wear this bra" is not a comment grounded in any sort of logic at all, and when you tell me this, I have no idea how to respond without laughing at you.

9. Just because I don't have a vagina doesn't mean I can't tell you what's "normal down there." The symptom you are complaining about is not normal. It's not "normal for you" or "not a problem" just because you think it is. And even though I don't have one myself, I am a doctor, and so I know things.

10. Just because the "dye" they use in an angiogram is pronounced the same way as the word "die" does not mean it is going to kill you. They don't call it "dye" because you're going to "die" from it. They call it dye because it is dye. I don't know why you don't understand this, especially since your first name is also a word, and it doesn't mean you are what that word is. Good grief.