Anonymous Doctor

Okay, suitable for forwarding to your friends:

Anonymous Doc's Top Ten Useless Things Patients Say

1. "Family history? Well, my great-uncle had diabetes, and my second cousin just had an abortion."

2. "I take two pills every day, one is white and I think the name starts with a C, the other is green and I don't like the way it tastes. Oh, and I'm also supposed to take an orange pill but I don't. And I keep expired medication around just in case I need it later."

3. "I quit smoking... thirty years ago."

4. "I like you much better than the last doctor I saw. He thought I was crazy."

5. "I don't need an MRI-- I had one, ten years ago, before this problem started."

6. "I have a theory about why I'm having chest pain. It's because I have a brain tumor. Or because I'm constipated. Definitely one of the two."

7. "My friend weighs 50 pounds more than I do and her doctor didn't tell her to lose any weight-- so I don't know why you keep bringing it up."

8. "My stool? Here, I brought you a sample... in my pocket."

9. "No, I always take my medicine-- in fact, if I forget my pills one day I make sure to double up the next."

10. "I don't believe in doctors. My mother did everything her doctor said, and she still died."