I Have Most of My Parts

96-year-old patient.  Female.  Complaining of stomach pain.

"I'm just going to see if there's any tenderness, okay?"

"I didn't know you were going to be touching me."

"I'm sorry, is that okay?"

"Yes, but I would have put on a little more makeup."

"Let me know if you feel anything."

"Oooh.  Yes, that hurts."

"And how about here?"

"Yes, that hurts too."

"I didn't see anything in your chart... have you had any surgeries in that area?"

"Surgery?  Like what?"

"Have you ever had any ovarian issues, have you had a hysterectomy, anything like that?"

"Well, I don't get my period anymore."

"No, I wouldn't expect that you would."

"And the doctor said I can't have any more children."

"Right, but is that because of any procedure you may have had, even if it was years and years ago?"

"Now that you mention it, I think they did take something out."

"Do you know what they took out?  Did you have a hysterectomy?"

"To be honest, I don't know.  I'm not really sure what's inside me anymore."

"Okay, I'm going to send you for a scan to see what's inside of you, and to make sure there's nothing concerning going on.  Obviously we don't want to look for problems at your age that it's better not to find, but I just want to see if we can figure out if there's a reason why you're so tender down there."

"You don't think that doctor was wrong and I'm pregnant."

"No, I don't."

"Okay, that's a relief."